Thoughts from September 2016:
A couple of Saturdays ago, Shawn was supposed to either go on a short Canoe day-trip with the men in our ward, or work on his dad’s truck (his plans, not mine). Late Friday night he opted to stay home and work on the truck. I was relieved, but sorry he was missing out on “normal” fun time. When the alarm went off that morning at 8:00am (set just in case the boys didn’t wake us up by then) I was even more relieved he was going to be home, I just couldn’t “do it today”. I just wanted to stay in bed, and I wanted Shawn there with me. I was okay if he needed to get up, and I didn’t talk to him about why I needed to stay in bed that morning, until later. I was stuck in my own head again. The weeks of monotonous routine were getting to me. Weeks of throwing a load of laundry in the wash, eating breakfast, showering right before my appointment (so my pits didn’t offend anyone), dressing for the day, leaving the house by 9:30am to go to Radiation treatment, changing into a hospital gown, lying on the treatment table for 20ish minutes, rubbing Radia-plex on the treated area, changing back into my own clothing, driving back home (with the occasional few minute detour to a store for necessities, no time for whole grocery shopping), having a few minutes chat with my mom and William, putting together some sort of healthy lunch for William and I, taking about 30 minutes to do some light “tidying up” (no time for actual cleaning lately), then crashing on the couch for a much needed two and a half hour nap (while William plays or watches cartoons quietly in the same room), waking up as Chris and Erick burst in the front door arriving home from school (sometimes dozing for another 30 minutes afterwards because I was just soooo tired still), getting homework and afternoon snack taken care of, getting dinner started (or not some days, we’ve eaten a lot of take-out lately), getting the boys to bed at a decent time, then vegging on the couch with Shawn until I doze off again…and then I repeat it all again the next day, sometimes with added appointments or an occasional walk in the evening. And that’s not including all the other stuff that I’ve thrown in there the past two weeks…
Can you tell I’m not getting any of my “job” done? Can you tell I am stuck in a rut? Can you tell I like my schedules and such? Can you tell that I am not dealing well with it all? Well, I am doing better with it now, but I was having a really rough time of it on the 17th.
Shawn stayed in bed with me, holding me, letting me doze off and on, as the boys came in and out of the room asking this and that but generally letting me be (it sure is nice to have Erick be old enough now to get his brothers cereal and Chris is old enough to get cartoons started for them too). It was some good needed together time, but also some mental health time for me too. Around 10:00am when I was wide awake, but not really wanting to leave the room yet…I felt like I needed to go ahead and let Shawn know what was bouncing around in my head. I thanked him for letting me be lazy this morning and for being around. I teared up and told him that I was just having a really hard time this morning, and that I am really getting bogged down by feeling like I’m not getting anything done anymore, feeling like all I do is Radiation and Sleep. Snickering to myself as I realized I had just slept or sluffed the morning away, again, grrrr. He looked at me with those loving eyes, and said, “This isn’t your life.” I didn’t quite understand him at first. So he explained further, “this ‘moment’ in time isn’t your life.” Radiation treatments will end, the fatigue that is causing me to take such long naps will end, the Cancer stuff will subside, and my routine will get back to what I want it to be. He continued, “And in the meantime, the kids and I are okay. We will all do as much as we can, as much as is needed to be done, and then the rest will be okay until then.” Yup, I love this man! The man who has been struggling with his own “catch-up” game at work. The man who has selflessly worked on our vehicle repairs, his dad’s vehicle repairs, and has now offered to help another family with their essential vehicle repairs (asking my permission before beginning each one); pointed out that the house and the family are in working order. So what if the clean clothes are in a pile in the living room, they are clean, we know where to find them, and the boys are still being taught and doing their part by getting at least theirs put away. So what if the dishes sit in the sink a couple of days longer than usual, at least we have clean dishes to eat off of, they aren’t sitting long enough to grow icky things in them, and the boys are still doing their part to help with that as well. So what if we are not able to make a menu or “proper” grocery list and shopping trips right now, our bank account is okay, we aren’t running to the store everyday for lack of things, we have the food we need in the house and other necessities as well. So what if we are eating a lot of convenience food and take-out right now, we are fed, we aren’t starving, and it’s only temporary, our bodies can handle temporary. So what if William is watching more cartoons now than he usually does, he is getting out and playing with Grandma in the mornings, he is getting outside to play with his brothers in the afternoons, he is playing with toys in between all that, he is not in any danger while you nap, he has his mom in the room with him. “This isn’t your life, it’s only temporary.” Sigh. As usual, he said exactly what I needed to hear. We got up and got moving with our day, spent time with the boys, Shawn worked on his dad’s truck, and I felt better for it. Did I regret staying in bed that morning? No, not really. Looking back on it, I needed that day of non-routine to be able to “deal” with the next few weeks of non-stop go.
Dalynn's Road to Recovery 